Embedded Files
Character names are made up to protect the identities of the people involved. All recounts of these stories are told as accurate as can be remembered. Throughout these stories you will see pictures, maps, and timelines, to prove their authenticity. Enjoy
"THE BOOK of things!" -Buttons
It was April 2018, and Buttons Bear felt firmly, perhaps smugly, entrenched in the good life: solid career (meaning he could afford artisanal coffee), manageable debt (if you didn't look too closely at the interest rates), and a steady nurse girlfriend who came pre-loaded with kids (what Buttons privately, and with the sensitivity of a brick, called her "trophy set"). Life wasn't just comfortable; it was practically upholstered in beige predictability.
Meanwhile, just eighty miles down the existential drainpipe, Buddy inhabited a reality sponsored by cheap whiskey and despair. Staring down forty like it owed him money, mired in a depression thicker than gas station gravy, he was a connoisseur of expired hot dogs at a convenience store. Home was a fragrant mix of his soused brother's BO and his volatile girlfriend's simmering rage. Getting through another shift without questioning all his life choices too loudly was his primary achievement.
The stark contrast wasn't entirely lost on Buttons, though Buddy's soul-crushing despair barely pinged on his 'Good Vibes Only' radar. "Buddy, my man," Buttons chirped into the phone, radiating the kind of optimism usually reserved for lottery winners or golden retrievers, "what can we possibly do to spice things up? Inject some pizzazz?"
Buddy’s reply was instant, drier than month-old toast. "Know any good cliffs? Asking for a friend."
Buttons, whose superpower was weaponized cluelessness, barreled right past it. "No, seriously! I found this genius book online, 'You Should...' - it's got, like, a hundred random challenges! Think of the Instagram potential! The hilarious anecdotes! We'll be legends!" He was already picturing himself, windblown and adventurous, probably wearing a fedora.
Truthfully, the only legend Buddy was interested in becoming involved a mysterious disappearance and maybe some vague rumors about joining a cult or becoming one with the squirrels in the state park. Manufactured fun sounded about as appealing as a root canal performed with a rusty spoon.
Later, fueled by craft beer and the terrifying whisper of boredom, Buttons triumphantly clicked 'Buy Now'. This book, this sacred listicle of arbitrary tasks, was the answer he hadn't realized he was looking for! It arrived three days later, practically glowing. Buttons devoured the instructions like they held the secrets to the universe, even performing a dramatic reading for his girlfriend, who responded with the enthusiastic equivalent of a shrug: "Hmm, interesting, honey. Don't hurt yourself."
Then, puffed up with the satisfaction of possessing a plan (which is almost as good as doing a plan), Buttons reverently slid the book onto a shelf already groaning under the weight of other abandoned hobbies and good intentions. There it sat, marinating in dust and neglect, until April 20, 2019. And that, precisely one year, several forgotten resolutions, and much inertia later, is where the saga of the "Book of Things" actually, finally, stumbles into existence...
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